Scary doesn’t cut it

Quick impromptu update for you all ( and I make no excuses for my language )… that was a fucking scary moment.

All I did was transfer from my reclining chair to another chair to be wheeled through to the bathroom and that was me done! Apparently my head was back, eyes rolled back full on shaking seizure and not with it at all for a good ten minutes or so.

I remember none of this at all but start to come round ( thankfully ) to a visibly upset wife on the phone telling people to come round now!

A few moments later I have four nurses around me trying to teach me how to breath through my nose deeply and properly.

It took a while to start to come round abit, one of the first things I did was to ask Karina to call my dad. It’s a silly thing, almost childish in a way, but I just wanted my dad. The 2 hour drive for him over didn’t really worry me at that point though in hindsight I do feel sorry for asking him to come!

I did eventually start to come to my senses and with the help of the nurses managed to achieve the original goal but not without feeling very feint and dizzy several times and having to take long pauses to try get my breath back. It’s come very clear something is very wrong and this is a definite turning point in my condition… I’m thinking weeks will be very lucky at this stage, possibly even days will be a matter of luck.

Tomorrow lends the possibility of a space back in St Leonards Hospice. It’s not definite it’s reliant on a discharge going smoothly and turning the room around for me. Then I have to survive the transfer itself, and that’s no exaggeration unfortunately. If I exert any energy at all at the moment I start to feel dizzy and feint, I can barely adjust myself on my bed without feeling breathless. It’s a drastic and scary change… I won’t lie I really am fucking scared right now.

There is a very real possibility that in the next few days I’ll be saying goodbye.

Why go to all the effort of writing all this up with what’s happened? Well, Kinda wanted to pre-empt that. To say goodbye in case I don’t get another chance. For my colleagues I really wanted to come into the office and see you but it’s just not an option now, I’m sorry for that, but I’m thinking of each of you. Same for friends who I may not have kept in touch with as-well as I should. The Goodgym guys in particular, all on my list of people I wanted to see.

Hopefully all will be ok and this won’t be my last blog, but if not – I love you all one way or another. Goodbye.

Love, Sean

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